But I'm not disagreeable! Am I?

The idea that there is an exception to every rule sits quite comfortably. We have a natural tendency to generalise about things, and quite unconsciously that generalisation makes its way to becoming a belief we hold, and beliefs are the rules we live our life by. Many rules, or beliefs aren't actually true, they are simply things we believe. So of course, there will always be exceptions. And even the rules about spelling, and maths and so many other things all seem to have exceptions - and some people can't seem to help but to point those exceptions and differences out.

I was talking to a friend recently about their trouble with sleeping. Over recent months they have found themselves waking up in the early hours of the morning, and picking up a book to read as an aid to getting back off to sleep again. Only its not working. We were chatting about the other strategies they have tried that are also not helping and I was sharing a couple of alternatives that I have found useful. If this is a problem you share then my best tip would be to be careful what you say to yourself about it! Repeating to yourself how much trouble you have sleeping really will make it even worse!

But sleep is not the topic of this blog, its just where the thought process started. A day or so after the conversation I found myself thinking about Milton Erickson and the stubborn cow. Erickson was famous hypnotherapist who tells a story about growing up on a farm. One day his father called for his help to get a rather stubborn cow to go into the barn. His father was pulling the cow and called for Milton to come and help him pull. Instead of going to help his father pull the cow into the barn, he went to the back of the cow and pulled its tail. Unsurprisingly the cow moved away from this and forward into the barn. Not every problem is solved by the most obvious solution.

Highland cows on road

Erickson was a great story teller and he made use of metaphors to convey positive suggestions to his clients. Commonly you find expressions such 'you may or may not want to' in Ericksonian hypnotherapy. What he understood from the stubborn cow was that some people are naturally inclined to resist instructions, to seemingly be hardwired to do the opposite of whatever you tell them. They mostly aren't doing it on purpose, or as it probably appears, just to annoy you. Often they aren't even aware they are doing it, it is such an unconscious personality trait it just happens.

And as I was reflecting that offering advice to someone who has inadvertently convinced themselves they can't sleep may not be the best way to help, I found myself reflecting on how I respond. The memory that popped up was clapping along to music! Somehow the offbeat has always felt more right... I'm not musical, I'm not trying to be clever, or awkward, it just feels better. And then of course there is the almost compulsive need to find an alternative way to do something than the way I've been told to. I don't want to be like you, and equally I don't want you to be like me either. I'm just not a natural conformist.

There is a personality trait that sits beneath this type of behaviour. Some people notice connections and things in common, whilst other notice differences. Neither is better or worse, simply different. People who tend to notice similarities are generally speaking easier to get along with whereas those that notice differences are often associated with innovations as they tend to point out alternatives. I've always thought of myself as fairly balanced - I can see differences readily but don't feel that I have to point them out unless there is a need to.

Sometimes this trait is referred to as being matchers and mismatchers. Matchers seek coherence, similarity and agreement. Mismatchers are often described as being disagreeable. But beware the generalisation! Its certainly true that when someone constantly points out the differences, and resists anything you ask them to do, it is very irritating and could easily be considered disagreeable. But people are not single personality traits, they are complex beings doing their best with the resources they have available to them.

Matchers can seem a good choice of employee in an organisation. They set out to get on with other people, they like familiar tasks and generally find things in common. Whilst easy to get along and work with, if they make up the whole team, it is likely to stagnate, be slow to change and mistakes will take a long time to be noticed. The skillset you need for innovation lies with the mismatchers. They don't have to be disagreeable, but they often are, so if you work with one, or you realise you are one, what should you do?

Being a mismatcher is not an excuse to be an irritation to others, and the most important thing is to notice how you are behaving. For those who are fairly 'balanced' you may find that when someone presents an idea you have a tendency to be the person who says 'yes, but...' Internally you recognise what you are agree with in their idea, but feel compelled to point out some of the downsides. People who are also quite detailed will have an even greater need to point out small points - what those on the receiving end perceive as 'nit-picking'. I've seen this sort of interaction lead to many a falling out, and with some small changes in understanding and communicating can easily be avoided. If you are the 'yes, but...' making one simple change to 'yes, and...' will make your comments much easier to receive. But implies that you didn't really mean the thing that went before it, whereas 'and' implies that you did agree, you just have some additional information to share. Taking responsibility for how you respond will help you to have your points accepted more readily.

I have managed one or two people who are mismatchers with very little balance. They are challenging! It seems as if they disagree with everything you say, and often feel that because the point they are making has some validity, if you take offence that is your problem not theirs. If you find you have someone like this in your team, first thing to change is how you feel about them. They may not be be aware of the impact of their behaviour, or may simply not have an alternative strategy for how to communicate the differences they see. Rather than resisting them (remember the stubborn cow) instead ask them more about their perspective. Let the matcher in you find the things you have in common, you might be surprised how many you find. And when you want them to do something, then its time for the reverse psychology. I know you probably won't want to do this but... I doubt you'll like this idea but I'd like your thoughts on it.

Erickson understood that we are all different. Some people simply resist conforming, they mismatch. His language patterns are very effective in communicating effectively with a wide range of people, and very much designed to work around resistance. If you are interested in finding out more check out some of the courses we offer or ask us about bespoke training in influential language that can support you to transform your leadership and management.